Go me…?

Today a classmate told me that my collection from Monday was her favorite in class. She is someone that I am often in awe of her illustration and design ability. But also that most everyone she talked to thought mine was the best, but she didn’t want to name names.

I can’t even believe it. I am not sure what to think. I am stunned. Though not surprised that she was the only want to tell me that to my face.

The last few days it has given me a lot of anxiety. Realizing the pressure now to keep performing at this level. That I need to keep impressing the instructor, not let anyone down. Now that I have let out what I am capable of… theres no going back in the closet.

But I am relaxing, or more settling into this new project. Seeing the fun and inspiration in it and letting the rest go.

I decided to find a reasonable balance to what I was told yesterday in knitwear, without totally re-doing everything which I don’t have the time for.

The first fitting of the term today went quite well. Im thrilled to see my ideas start coming to life.

And I confirmed dinner plans with the neighbor tomorrow night (along with finishing my tattoo in the afternoon!). She didn’t get my note and was all cute about it worried that her note had weirded me out…

Not too bad for today. Im ready to eat and get a few more hours of work in tonight before I crash.

knitwear stress and lunch buddies

Life is challenging me in new ways right now.

Instructor feedback today just about knocked me over. Which maybe I dont care to elaborate on. It just means I need to look at knit wear with fresh eyes re-evaluate and come up with something even more amazing for next week.

But the real thing is this new phenomenon of friendly people. I now have “lunch buddies”. Consistent every week lunch buddies. And I have fun and I laugh. And I find that I want to spend more time than our breaks allow just bullshitting with all of them.

And then theres the guy. The pretty boy. He’s part of that group. But theres still this awkwardness, this hesitation he has around me. We did the touching knees under the table thing during the morning… But he hasnt made an obvious move yet. Its silly but I love that tension. I love when lightly touching knees can quicken my heart beat or make me flush.

To be honest I dont know what I would do. Really what would a straight man find attractive (in a real life every day way) in this odd queer girl? Even if he is an effeminate straight man – which he cleverly dropped at lunch today.

I did reach out. I started on my goal. To get them all out for dinner/drinks after critique. I suggested it and they seemed interested. Doing my best to bridge the school – friend gap.

But now I just have a headache from the stress of school, and being mad at myself for silly forgetful things that I never do. I need to rest, and give in to a very long day ahead of me tomorrow.

Proud

Today was some sort of divine blessing. If I can allow myself to say that. I dont talk like that, its not part of my lexicon.

But its how it felt. That I have stuck it out for two hard years fighting constant uncertainty to finally get to today. Which is in itself just a beginning. But an exciting one as I see more possibilities before me. I can see my own ability a bit more clearly.

There were mini gasps and noises of surprise when I pulled out my project. My first reaction was – what? whats wrong? But it was because they were surprised and impressed. They all just had wonderful things to say about my work. I was finally able to let me out on the page.

At the end my instructor literally gave me a pat on the back.

In the morning, after being without a book for the train for over a week, I grabbed a book of short stories I bought a few months ago. The first one I read – short enough to finish on the train – was exactly what i needed for inspiration for the next project. It was dark but humorous enough to fit with me. How could I expect anything less from romance stories edited by Jeanette Winterson?

And now I am excited. seeing the pieces fall together.

Ive gotten a bit panicy about my summer and not sure what to do. But I am trying to let that go and enjoy this rare moment.

I cleaned, I ate, tomorrow is dedicated to knitwear so for tonight I will crawl into bed and watch a movie.

walking in the sun and unwelcome attention

Im thinking about sunshine and desire and how I walk down the street. Im always one for analysis. The sunshine has generally put me in a very good mood.

I am finding my desire/sex drive going up increasingly since meeting the neighbor and having the pretty boy in my knitwear class. And somehow with that and this newly found confidence I am walking in a different way.

I can feel it in my muscles and in my heart, my head is higher my strut is more pronounced with a lightness at times. It feels good. I feel good in those moments.

I had errands to do as I have been preparing for critique next week so I have made the time to walk in the sun. Two days in a row now.

Theres been a difference. Yesterday more people smiled at me, and a guy leaned out his car at a stop sign and said “boy… I would marry you right now”. It was sweet and odd in the moment – it happened right as I was smiling to myself and turning my face to the sun. Today its been crude looks, awkward hi’s, and in general an air of malice and intimidation.

It affects me. It makes me uneasy. It makes me question how I dress. Or it makes me hate that lower cut tops seem to convey that crude unsafe behavoir from strange men is ok. Its not.

But I am here and know how to handle myself for the most part. As I jay walked the last block home when a group of 7+ men were standing on the corner and one stared at my chest and commented on my tattoo. I got out of there without looking like i was running.

So far occurrences like these have not put me back into hiding. I may need a moment to recollect myself. But I dont have the same panic and desire to cover myself. progress!

pain and friends

Yesterday was a hard day. Theres no way around that.

I felt pain. and sadness and loss.

Someone I have called my closest friend in the bay actively avoided me. It was so inexplicable, beyond anything I could ever imagine him doing. Prior to this I simply assumed he was wanting to spend more time with his family, so I backed off.

I was able to make it through my front door before falling into a mess of tears, panic and anxiety. Once I pulled through I thought about it for a while and called my good friend back home. I knew she would have a different and valuable perspective on it all.

She could be wrong with her guesses, but its a possibility I want to hold onto. Her guess from everything I have said over the last few months, he is in immense pain. And can’t face me in that. Perhaps for many reasons, the one she gave was that I tend to be honest with my advice to others even when its not what they want to hear.

Early yesterday I managed to end what was an interesting and enjoyable conversation with a classmate, when she updated me about her boyfriend. He has a personality disorder, and I gave my honest opinion.

I am trying to not make it all about me. Instead I am sending good thoughts and love his way and hope that eventually he is able to talk to me again.

This morning I am back to my solitary hard working joy. Much to do this week, but so thankful I had someone to call last night to give me perspective. Otherwise this may have hung over me for days.

lost friends and let downs.

This is it. Im feeling a bit more crushed than I expected. After all it was never really anything with the neighbor. But it was hope. The first time I’d felt that rush of hope and attraction in a while, and certainly not that strongly. Also, the first time I felt intellectually challenged in a while, which is the hardest loss for me. But maybe this was an insight into her.

That she really didn’t care to create the time for me. That it was easy for her to forget plans. Today I didn’t hear anything. I finally messaged her asking and just saying for her to tell me if it was off. Much later she gives some more excuses. And maybe last time they didn’t feel like excuses they just felt like explanations. But this was excuses. it makes my skin crawl with rejection and with feeling too needy. I hate excuses, they mean nothing.

I am tired of feeling like my interpersonal life is a mess. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I was kind and understanding, I bought nails to help her hang her picture, I offered to cook twice now, I asked questions and was engaging when we’ve seen each other. But this is nothing new.

At least I am feeling successful work wise and skill wise, my one saving grace.

I left school last night with some beautiful knit swatches. I still have more to do. But after lots of trial and error I walked away successful. And this is why I start my days so early and spend so many hours at it. I started at 10am and didn’t leave until after 7pm.

But I am so done with these friendships. People that are always too busy. This is why I have lost so many friendships. Cancelled plans, unreturned messages, busy schedules and Im left wondering if I really am a friend. Why do I need to put up with it?

My mom’s not returning my call again even though it was just me following up on her partners surgery.. but nothing surprising there.

I can feel this void between me and other people get really huge. I can look around a room, even a room where I know everyone’s name and feel so completely alone. Its cliche, its the things of teenage angst except its still happening in my late twenties. But then I have brief moments like last night working alongside a classmate and I forgot for a second that its there. I am trying to let myself hold onto hope that eventually I will have more moments like that.

That maybe there is some mythical power to knitwear class, all from different levels, all starting at zero, and all having to spend so many hours working at school. Its the only place I feel a chance for change.

school and people

Its starting to get to that point… Where I look at my planner and I realize how little time I have and how much I have to get done.

I feel a bit conflicted having, again, made a move to meet up with the neighbor. I havent heard from her since last weekend. But I finished the book she loaned me and left a note for her telling her so and saying she’d get it back if we could do dinner.

Her suggestion was sunday. I dont even know if I have the time for it. But I am doing it anyway. I would like to see her again. But I am also plagued by feeling like I am forcing it, that she didnt really care either way if she saw me again. That is hard to cope with.

Today I am up early and planning to spend the entire day in the city at school. Hoping I can get enough done. And secretly hoping that some of my knitwear classmates will be there. After class on wednesday I have some hope for friendships there. And I dont want to let that fall. There was something really great and supportive about them. An experience talking about design like I’ve never had before.

Though the guy is still awkward around me in particular. Sometimes the way he looks at me makes me flush. I give up on having any idea who I could wind up partnered with. Each time lately its a different sort of person that makes me turn my head.

For now all I can do is try to get everything done this week before critique and let the rest happen as it will.

Getting tattooed

Last night was about the best tattoo experience I have ever had. He was a sweet and genuine guy who shared what had been going on, took an interest in me. And with everything happening I found myself with a surprising amount of honesty. He was funny and put me at ease. Sometimes I have had to get over initial body hang ups, awkwardness, or detachment at the beginning of a session. But it wasnt even and issue for me.

His daughter had started cutting last week and that was the emergency. So I talked about my cutting and I talked about what I knew about pre-teen/teen girls cutting. I appreciated him sharing and opening up to me. I also found out his wife has been a model, but now only models for designers/photographers she personally knows. It seemed like a chance for an opportunity there.

He took his time both with tweaking the design with me and tattooing. I’ve never had a project this involved or this back and forth with design. Although we weren’t able to finish, he is doing amazing work. I can’t even believe the quality of line work he’s doing.

At one point he giggled over one of my tattoos and asked if I regretted it. I wasnt articulate enough in the moment to say why. But I dont. I dont regret any of them. Because they have been my way of writing my story on my body. That each in a way represents different pieces of who I was, who I am, who I will be, or who I wanted to be at those times.

Someone once told me that especially with word tattoo’s we tattoo the things we wish were true about ourselves. When I heard that I thought it was true as I knew a woman who had a peaceful quote and she was one of the most aggressive people I knew.

The tattoo he commented on is all about needing other people.. I still believe that. But its not my life, or who I am most of the time.

It still feels a little funny to be getting something so incredibly femme on me. But the lace and the needle are about my life and creating things. The flower is about my past and knowing how to honor nature and beauty. I realized when sitting there that in a way I now have a “mom” and “dad” tattoo on each arm. The music note sleeve is my mom and now this lace is my dad. One of the few happy memories I could pull from.

human connection

Today was a reminder that I do have people that care about me and are interesting, honest, and emotionally real people. Even if they are few, and I dont get to see them often or live far away.

Lunch with a friend, one of the first people I met after moving here. She’s always been on my side even when she’s critiquing my work. I had been having such a hard time getting out from under my cloud. Her sweetness and genuine care and interest in me helped pull me out of that. I felt lighter about things. She reminded me to calm down while still being excited about the neighbor. And most of all she lit up when seeing my strange designs and how much progress I have made, which means the world to me.

And then I had a long and lovely conversation with my friend from back home. She challenges me to think in different ways and always sees and treats me as an amazing and intellectual person. I dont get that often.

Ive heard so many times from counselors or others trying to give quick advice that everyone has someone who cares about them that they can talk to. Just make a list and call people when you need to talk. But its never been that simple for me.

Especially lately as I spend so much time alone. It doesn’t always sink in. And the list is short, and its easy for those few people to be busy. So I make excuses to not try. But today, if I am allowed to say it was simply grand and my solitary heart needed it.

I got a call to reschedule my tattoo appointment as well… And it turns out that will be how I am spending my valentines evening. A pretty terrific way for this single woman to enjoy it! I can’t imagine a better way to treat myself.

Before that its major go time with design. Im tempted to go to bed ridiculously early so that I will be able to wake up early and launch into it. I am just never inspired enough in the evenings.

being single and remembering my strength

I read this morning about singledom… And those that well for whatever reasons stay single. How you can find happiness and contentment within it. Even if you still dream of finding a partner.

I’ve always been someone who’s stayed single for long periods of time, and certainly much longer stretches than anyone else in my life. It’s easier that way, but also I have high standards and if it doesnt feel right, then whats the point? I have entered into things that didn’t feel right, but they were all short lived and I didnt put myself into them as much.

I guess it reminded me to breathe. To remember how much I have enjoyed my single confidence. In looking nice, in taking care of myself, in doing what I want to do, and feeling strong in that.

I spent too much of yesterday feeling crushed and lonely and full of molasses.

Im trying for some lightness today. To remember how I have been happy with being alone. And yes maybe I do dream about a partner, and right now those thoughts are clouded by my neighbor, but on either front its ok if it doesnt happen right now. Its ok to let things unfold. To feel out if this is simply a fluke in her own life and routine right now, or if its part of who she is.

I need some positive internal energy to enter tomorrow with. To show the director my sketches so far, with hopefully a bit of confidence. I know that it will be different than anyone elses stuff and I also know its dramatically different than the students that just showed at NY on friday. Different is good! right?